For many students, junior year is when it kicks in: What am I going to do after this? College? What will I major in? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?
It took me almost three-quarters way in to stop and think about the questions I thought I had so neatly answered and tucked away.
I always prided myself in the fact that I was never going to be one of those "undecided" majors in college. Ever since I was little, I loved kids. I know that doesn't entirely make sense, but I was always drawn to kids younger than myself. Teaching. I learned how to read so I could read to my little brother. I learned all those lessons in Catholic school so I could teach at Sunday School with flawless knowledge of every biblical story a child would know. I've always been told I had a gift with children, that they loved me. I loved them. More importantly, I loved giving the gift of information, and I adored seeing their faces light up when they "got it". I had my heart set on being an elementary school teacher from the get-go, and that was that.
Until theatre.
I started performing from a young age, but it wasn't until middle school that I started to see that I could move people, and make them feel things with my acting, and my singing. When I entered high school, I chose to pursue the idea of theatre as more than a hobby and took it as a class. I still continued to teach at church, babysit, and tutor at the local elementary school. But there was a divide between the two lives.
When I found out I would be moving here, the idea of college and majors was pushed to the forefront of my sophomore year, as I had to do all my visiting then. I was too foolish before to see that this tightrope act would have to end. I would have to choose. My mom and I fought and argued. Her mother and aunt are both teachers, and so are my cousins on my dad's side. The pressure was on, but I wasn't willing to let theatre out of the equation. We agreed on a Drama minor and reached an uneasy peace.
But now things are serious, and I'll have to really decide. Coming to Korea and taking IB Theatre Arts made me realize a few things. First, like any human, I enjoy doing what I'm good at. For me this is teaching kids. I love it, I do. But theatre has consumed me. I learned this year that I was willing to sacrifice anything to stay in a show, go to a performance, or work with a professional. If someone took away my right to teach in sunday school I would be upset, but not devastated. I realized that theatre had the upper hand in my heart. Being here and being a part of anything and everything made me see it for the first time.
Now here's the point: When I go to college, what do I do? Obviously the "right" answer would be Education. It's stable, the world will always need teachers. I'm also smart enough and charismatic and all the other things a teacher should be. Alternately, theatre is infamous for being a poor career track. Maybe the reason RENT is my favorite musical is because its the only positive picture of "starving artists" I've seen. I understand that "theatre is no life" and that I would lose many of the everyday comforts I enjoy as a child of a diplomat now. But I often wonder if it would be so awful. It's just extremely confusing to have such negative images associated with doing what you love long-term.
The most obvious compromise to me would be theatre education. However, that limits me in many ways. I want to be a marketable person, and most schools to not have theatre teacher positions, let alone available ones. The practicality goes head to head with my feelings. I'm still lost, and I just hope I figure it out soon.
Deep down, I want to major in Musical Theatre.
But that's just not going to happen.
I just hope that my heart finds a happy medium.
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